the part about my life that confuses me is when i was five, my mother has mercury fillings, she also had extremely traumatic experience at the age of 16, where she was gang raped by bikies. she has been into psyche wards, she has used drugs like heroin, and she has been a prostitute.

when i was five, i sometimes think she may have been experiencing a psychosis (she was admitted once when i was 18 months old), i think she may have been addicted to heroin, and i think i may have been the source of her income, and that in her state she didn’t believe what was happening to me would actually effect me, because i wouldn’t be able to understand. but all of that i just wrote, is as real as any other fantasy i could have. sometimes i feel like i could vomit, when a psychic person first told me i did vomit.

this year i found two girls with borderlline personality disorder, i knew from my own psychic intuition. one had been abused by her mother (who i had clear visions of), and the other had been abused by her father (clear visions)…. it’s not hard for me to look into a person’s soul and see what has happened to them.

but it’s hard for me to look into myself and see anything i can recognise. all i hear is a faint voice in the back of my mind which seems to revolve on fear…sometimes i feel i am deeply disconnected, that ever piece of involvement takes effort.. and the idea of thriving repulses me. i actually believe all of this mixture of emotion is the repulsion people have when on this topic, and that i have an inherited inability to differentiate between my mind and reality.

my life seems to be filled with psychic and spiritual intervention, ………………… i couldn’t spell the word ‘the’ in grade six when i was meant to be in grade seven. i was held back an entire year. i am intelligent, yet i couldn’t learn. i used to be taught in the same classes as the downsyndromes and autistics. i remember having to be removed from class because i would rock back and forward, curled into a ball. i.. think i may have been experiencing psychic symptoms….. i used to be afraid that i would take all of my clothes of and stand on the tables and do repulsive things, it used to send me into hysterics,… because the fear and possibility of it seemed real. i had to physically react to stop it from happening, to stop me from doing it.

these could be sexual abuse symptoms, or they could be psychic symptoms…. i have heard that people can become psychic from sexual abuse.

when i consider the reality that i was asexually abused, it makes me want to die.

but i don’t believe i was sexually abused… but sometimes i question it because i’m afraid to die.

sometimes i have psychosis and i believe i’m going to die.

i know in my heart of hearts that i will die.. if this is true and if i don’t have some kind of miracle.

this is the first time i have ever dared to read spiritual text relating to sexual abuse.

i always believe… that it is not me who has experienced these things, but i do experience a slight part of these things, for those around me who have actually experienced these things.

Up until I found out that cps wasnt going to take my case on. I was distraught. I sat down and cried. Felt let down by family as they have always known. Then the system let me down. I cried for a few days and then thought: Prior to all this happening. In that year my spiritual side opened up more. I saw spirit, lights in my bedroom wall When I meditated I felt my aura all around me. I am never alone. I have my spirit guide with me. A violet smell and very sweet. Then there is other guides around me. I truly felt in my heart God held my hand and I know work for him.

Also I believe in destiny and with that God attached free will. Although our destiny is written for us by God, he also gave us free will. With that free will, we humans can change our path. Or others can alter it to suit them. In my case my abusers. They changed my path.

With me knowing all this. Do you see why I can forgive. Or am I being silly. I never ever hold a grudge and I send love to my enemy’s. When my uncles where being questioned, in my mind I was giving them strength to tell the truth.

I do feel I am on another spiritual level. I just want to climb highr but need some help. x